Current mood:indescribable
Now, for some of you that don't realize this, I used to work 3rd shift so I am up all night. I do quite a bit of surfing on the web and on Myspace because I had some down time that allowed for it and my boss didn't seem to mind. As you can guess, the "interesting" people do come out at night. Once you weed out the porno wannabes and the "hey do you want to see my webcam" crowd, you do get lucky on occasion and find a good friend! But for the most part, just when I think I've seen it all, somebody just seems to top it on Myspace with some crazy page or stupid comment! LMAO....kinda like going out on date with a woman with false teeth and she pops them out at you just for fun. Once you get past the shock factor, you realize you might want to reconsider just what condition was your value meter in when you decided to make.....contact.
Scotty, have you got that beam ready?
and to compound the point......
I've been on that date.....
Settle in, this will take a while.....
In August 2006, I met someone using another site. I thought she was attractive, we were close in age (not that that matters but it gives you a better picture), seemed to be intelligent, and definitely knew what to say. (Sound familiar to some of you?) Now I'm not the type of man who just jumps at or for an attractive woman at the first moment of meeting. I've been "tagged" more than I care to be on the "catch and release" program. (Some of you ladies, yes, you heard me, SOME, just don't know what to do with a good man...I do understand it though..not alot of experience with them and NO! You cannot have me stuffed and mounted to your wall!)
So after talking for a few weeks, I decided to pursue further. No harm. Everything seemed like it had possibilities. After a little bit more time, I asked her for a date. She sounded genuinely thrilled with the idea of meeting and accepted.
All is well.....
She lived about 75 miles from me, which is not really an issue for me....I'm used to traveling ALOT...so I made the drive. Anticipation is everything, we all know it well. We agreed to meet at an Outback Steakhouse for a few drinks and then would decide from there what to do. I was unfamiliar with the area so we'll just let things go where they go...Right? (Its getting eerie isn't it?...LOL..been there haven't you?...)
I walk in and step up to the bar and order a drink. I got there a little early, so I thought I would take a few minutes to relax the little bit of the nervousness I was feeling. We were to meet at around 7:30 p.m. Around 7:35, I recieved a phone call and it was her apologizing about be a little late. No big deal, she at least called, that was definitely kudos from me...she was courteous! She explained her story and I understood. These things happen. She told me she was on the way and would arrive in about 10 minutes. Great! Not a problem! I then asked if I could get her something from the bar and it would be waiting for her when she arrived. She then told me she would like that. She then told me what she liked and I took care of it. 10 minutes later, she arrived as she said, and we met, physically, for the first time. She was apologetic again, which I assured her was quite alright...nothing wrong with the occasional "fashionably late" entrance.
I will admit, she was attractive, but with me.... you better bring more than that. As we sat down and began talking more, I began to realize the power of the internet (and later, the power of alcohol).The more we spoke of life, the less intelligent she became (its amazing how fast some people can find things on the internet!). Look, I know I probably sound a bit arrogant, but you should at least be able to tell me who JFK was! ("He was a president wasn't he?".....you getting the picture now? and NO! she was not a blonde!) Anyway, I ordered us a few more drinks over the next hour. As we chit chatted some more, I was becoming so what amused (and honestly beginning to get a bit bored) and then from there the night started to head down hill quickly.
After genuinely trying to keep the conversation alive for a while, I could tell she wasn't keeping up with the conversation. She was laughing and giggling a bit to much. Now, I am witty and can be funny, but this was overdoing it a bit. I think "Tipsy" was slapping her in the back of the head with a shovel! Ok, Ok, I know...I shouldn't have ordered so many drinks (3 apiece at this point)....so I decided to order something to eat....stop the growth of this monster or at least slow it down. (Little did I know....), so I paid the tab at the bar and we moved to a booth and ordered some dinner. The waitress comes over, takes the order and then asks if she could freshen our drinks. My "date" then proceeds to tell the waitress she would like to order something a "bit" stronger. She was drinking Seabreezes when we first met.... she was drinking Long Island Ice Teas when I ended this "date". So now...... we have a conversation slowly going nowhere, a tipsy date who is increasingly getting closer to me, a Long Island Ice Tea on deck, I'm 75 miles from home and I don't have a clue where she lives or even how she's going to get back there herself.....might be bad? I don't know..... Time is now around 9:45 p.m.....
So the waitress comes back, (with the Long Island Iced Tea) and tells us dinner will be out shortly. We both smiled and I thanked the waitress. Once again, I turn to face her and ask a rather simple question, you know, a chit chat question, something to move the conversation along. At this point, I notice that her cheek is moving but her mouth isn't. Hmmmm...I think. Tongue must be going numb or something, who knows...I just fleetingly let it go. So now as she begins to talk, I glance over to my drink and reach for it and then she suddenly sounds like she's shoved a drink coaster in her mouth! I quickly peel my eyes back to her and she has this little painfully sheepish grin on her face but she still has her composure! :) So I take a sip of my drink (by now I had switched to tea and ordered her a Diet Coke) and wait for a second for her to speak, recover...whatever you want to call it. At this point she smiles and tells me she needs to go to the "ladies room"...I smile and acknowledge her..she then gets out of her seat and reaches for my hand and places hers on top of mine and smiles. This of course is a sign...DUH! Ok...how are we going to go from here?
So after 5 or 10 minutes, she comes back, smiling and talking and the evening moves forward. Little did I know, that on her way to the 'Ladies room", she had stopped our waitress and ordered another Long Island Iced Tea! It's Loopy TIME! WOO HOO! (You can stop laughing at me at anytime now)....So the waitress brings the drink. I just kinda relax and realize this date is now not going to be over anytime soon. Your in it now my friend, just buckle in and enjoy the ride!
So we talk a little more and I'm beginning to run out of things to talk about that she and I might be able to relate to. The flood of alcohol and the lack of use of the internet were starting to take its toll on the 'lovely' woman and her inhibitions were quickly melting away. I made a light joke about living in a small town; not a mean comment but just a little needling jibe and she almost roared with laughter! At that very moment when she laughed, the entire upper part of her jaw released and her teeth were about to fall out of her mouth. (Stop laughing...) It was everything I could do to not be embarrassed for her and also to keep from starting to giggle a little. She slaps her hand over her mouth in a split second and has that mortified look on her face (you know the one). I then just calmly looked at her and said "I take it you have false teeth" (nothing witty at that moment, the embarrassment factor was registering "suicide alert"). I really wasn't aware that she had false teeth at any point until then and it wouldn't have made a difference one way or the other. These things happen, she could have been in a car wreck, an ex could have beaten her up, she could have had a skateboard accident, I don't know..not for me to judge. Anyway.....
So now.....(BIG SIGH).. I have a dead conversation, a DRUNK embarrassed date, a loose set of false teeth, a full Long Island Iced Tea on the table, I'm 75 miles from home, and I still haven't figured out how this woman is getting to her house.....I wasn't about to let her drive.
I'M THINKING ABOUT DRINKING THE LONG ISLAND ICED TEA at this point...(and I hate them)
Evidently.... when she left home, the teeth were firmly in place, but at some place in the evening, they were irritating her gums, plus adding the drunkeness and what might have been considered a little apprehension/nervousness, she started fooling with them with her tongue! and she left the adhesive at home! So I realized she was frighteningly embarrassed and I did all I could to lower the excitement level. After about 10 minutes, everything was calming down, and she relaxed and then the alcohol kicked in right about that time....(Do you know what the drunk prayer is? I was thinking of using it at that point)
So she explained that she had been in a car accident and that most of her upper teeth had been wiped out after "eating" the steering wheel. See...easy explanation! (Plastic surgeon did a fanstastic job! I'll have to say, I didn't see a scar or damage to her face at all) So now she was starting to feel even more relaxed with talking to me because this "secret" was out in the open and I didn't make an issue of it. No problem, just need to work on the informed conversationalist problem now. So, we talk further, I laugh with her about a few jokes she had made and she was really trying to turn on the charm now. At this point, I think she was really feeling the "Tea" because she began to make jokes about a few of her relatives concerning just how dumb they were (all the while gulping the Long Island Iced Tea). To make this point to me, she made a joke about a cousin or sister or someone and POPPED her teeth halfway out of her mouth at me to illustrate! Ok....so now she has let me know that her family is dumb and toothless! (Would you stop laughing?....Stop!...) I don't care what you say, if anybody ever pops their teeth out at you for fun and you don't know them really personally, its time to go...(you people think I'm making this up...this really happened! You can't make this up!)
So after a few more minutes, I then, politely, flagged the waitress over to the table, asked for the check and the next thing I hear is "Are you ready to go? Where do you want to go next?" The time is now 11:45 p.m......(Uh oh...)
Of course, I very politely excused myself by telling her I had to go home, lots of stuff to do tomorrow and gotta get up early. (you know the excuse). I then asked her if she had some friends she could call to come pick her up or if I could give her a ride to her house. I insisted she not try to drive home. She then said she was alright, but I knew better. I tried for several minutes to talk her out of it but she insisted. (Ever tried to argue with a very tipsy person? Uh huh..you know how the conversation goes.....) I then asked her to at least wait a few minutes before she left and try to get her bearings. She promised me she would (Yeah..right). So I gave her a hug, a kiss on the cheek (I got the feeling she wanted a better kiss...lets not go there shall we?) and thanked her for the "great time" and drove myself home.
(Whispering softly) I see false teeth!
(For those that want to know...we only spoke a few more times after that night....her choice :) )
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