Tales from the Road

Current mood:amused

Now, as most of you have read, or to those who know me personally; I am a FedEx courier. "The FedEx Guy"..in laymans terms. We, as a group, are usually running around your office, shipping/receiving, and are weaving and dodging you or your loved ones and friends in traffic with our trucks. We have the "opportunity" to go to places and meet people that some of you might be a little scared of........ at first. (they sometimes scare us too..LOL) We go into places that even the police are really nervous about trespassing into. We do it without fear (most of the time) because we have something the police never have....something for them.... a package! Something that they will want! LOL...We don't go get something unless we are called! LOL....

Our job introduces us to the most "perculiar" people....hmmm...feeling one of those moments again....this one involves beer and breasts....got your attention on that one didn't I?

Come ride with me for a while....buckle up cause its Saturday morning and we are delivering!

Its a chilly late October morning 2008, around 7: 45 a.m., and we have 28 packages to deliver before noon. We have around 14 square miles to cover in that time. Trust me, that is A LOT of miles! We have routed the packages by addresses and zip codes on our truck and our first stop is very close to the station. An apartment building very near the State capital buildings of Oklahoma. We have just left the station and it only takes us about 4 minutes to the stop. We grab the package (letter) and spring out the sliding door of our truck. We walk to the door and knock loudly. The time is now 8:05 a.m. No one answers on the first knock; so we knock again. No answer. We realize that we have forgotten to get a door tag from the truck to leave on the door letting the customer know we were there and what they can do about getting their package at a later time. Just as we turn to go back to the truck, a female voice calls out very loudly from behind the door.."WHO IS IT??!!"......"FedEx Ma'am...I have a delivery for you..." we exclaim back through the closed door. Suddenly, we hear the fumbling of the door locks and the door knob and we find ourselves face to face with a fairly attractive, fairly fit, and (shall we say it)...VERY WELL ENDOWED black woman wearing just her panties and a semi sheer button down top that was not even close to being buttoned. Definitely a Victoria's Secret/Fredericks of Hollywood Ensemble, if you will. (Fire Red and very lacy) She has opened the security door but not the outer door which is mostly plexiglass and aluminum. (Now comes the part where we are thankful for plexiglass....if only for a few minutes....)

She opens the outer door and slurrily asks..."What is it? What is it? Who sent it....What? What?"...and we are OVERWHELMED....hell....let's call it what it is....WE ARE ASSAULTED by her breathe! DEAR GOD!....The smell of last night's festivities were still raving in her mouth!.... We have evidently awoken the stale beer/hangover demon and it was not happy! To Hell with the Oklahoma National Guard, somebody call Tic-Tac USA and tell them we have a medical quarantine only they can handle! WOW! (as our eyes water....)

So we take a few steps back...(wanting to take many...ok...we want to FLEE! NOW! RIGHT NOW!) and say "I don't know Ma'am but could you sign here please?". She was a very nice person, don't get it wrong, but we have evidently gotten there WAAAAY TO EARLY for her! She is still very drunk and sleep hasn't really helped the situation...yet. She smiles pleasantly at us and reaches for the powerpad (the little computer we carry) to sign her name. She reaches out to take it from us and as she brings it back to her to sign, the semi sheer top she is wearing slips back on her shoulders and she is now BARE BREASTED in front of us and starts trying to sign her own name!! She is oblivious as to what has just now happened. WE HAVE GLORY! YES! WE HAVE GLORY!... In all its many faces....just makes you want to slap your hand over your eyes at this point for decency standards.....OK....awkward doesn't seem the right word here but get a hold of yourself...we have a job to do. Now... let's understand that we have awoken a drunk person who's inhibitions are a bit low at the moment and at this point, just glad to be standing. Sooooo....as she is trying to take time to FOCUS her eye sight on the place where she will sign her name, and swaying in place...(oh boy...(sigh..)) We then speak to her and say "Uhhh....Ma'am, you are exposed", at to which point, in slow motion mind you....(it really was slow motion)...she looks down, focuses again and then just shrugs. YES! She shrugs, and slowly pulls the two pieces of the top together. Just as flippantly as we would toss something in the trash. No fastening, not even an attempt. Just a flip of fabrics and it was over. Ok, if it doesn't bother her, it doesn't bother us...we have a job to do. We now notice that she is doing her best to focus on signing her name again. This will definitely be an accomplishment. Again, she is a very nice woman and has been courteous in every way(and in some ways, she might have taken it a bit to far) considering we awakened her and the stale beer demon party in her mouth up at 8 in the morning, but its amazing just how long it took to sign her name! The loops and turns of her signature were starting to look like Picasso's last days!! I think they signed the Declaration Of Independence in a shorter amount of time! (shaking our heads...). We now have our signature and we thank her. We also wish her a "Good Morning" and then secretly wish we could have also delivered Listerine! Wooooo...that was rough! Breast are Breasts and they are truly beautiful, but in this case, I definitely would have been more aroused and happier to see a bottle of Scope! (as the 70's porno music starts to filter into the background.....)

So now we have completed our first delivery of the day.....just 27 more to go and then its package pick up time....oh..just so you know...we got started with pickups a little early this morning....first, it was our jaw, then it was our humility. Thank goodness we don't work Saturdays any more!

Oh, don't go away.....we still have the adventure to the crack house or the snow bound masterbater....but that is for another blog... :)